...I was dating someone who I figured... if I ever got my shit together... would be the one. I never did "get my shit together," and I'm not even sure I know what that means anymore.
A decade is a long time, but I'll always remember breaking her heart. Why did I do it? Because she was pulling away from me. Why was she pulling away? Probably because I was going through a depressive episode.
These days, I take expensive mood stabilizers. I don't explode with the slightest provocation and I don't personalize things that shouldn't be personalized.
In short, I'm a completely different person... a happier, better person except that I feel old and unaccomplished instead of green and ambitious.
She was as close as I ever came to a successful state of couplehood and I blew it because I lacked the self-awareness to deal with my own psychosis. I own that.
I only hope she's got enough of a head on her shoulders to know that not every man is as capricious and temperamental as I was. And that she's lovely and worthy of love.
-DH
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